Okay, I am sitting here on hold with the Soothing Image Center where Dad lives, waiting to speak to someone about The Poop Problem, Mach 2 (see previous entries re: not asking; shooting in head).
What I am wondering is why I just apologized to the receptionist when she came back to double-check who I'm waiting to speak to. Is it:
1) Because the Guardian Guilt* is slowly seeping outward into the rest of my interactions?
2) Because I am so thoroughly programmed to be on the other end of the receptionist/caller transaction that I automatically inserted the apology for having to ask twice that the Soothing Image Center receptionist did not?
3) Because my reaction to the fortresslike, clanky, inscrutable machinery that is the Long Term Care Institution is to retreat into sullen, resentful subservience, where I grovel and whimper at the feet of the great unthinking beast, all the while hating it, thus voluntarily putting myself in a position of permanent disempowerment?
4) Because I totally need to go spend my last $3 for the week on a sugary, caffeine-laden Dunkin Donuts concoction that will hopefully grease those old social interaction wheels and make me stop saying sentences before I review what they mean?
5) All of the above?
*Guardian Guilt, in a nutshell: Guardians - usually guarding people whose lives are, by definition, very hard in one way or another, otherwise they wouldn't need a guardian, right? Guardians also - responsible for the contentment, safety, etc. of their charges to the extent that one person can ensure such things for another person. Charges - usually not in a position where they can be all that content/happy/whatever all that much of the time, because of the aforementioned hard life thing. Guardians therefore - charged with performing a task at which they can achieve only partial success at best, and knowing that the failures are measured in the discontent/unhappiness/whatever of their charges. Thus - guilt. Huh. Some nutshell.
Posted by hilatron at December 20, 2004 11:34 AM | TrackBackMaybe you should measure yourself in units of life improved by your involvement, rather than your failings to bring a difficult life to some standard to goodness. I don't think you're making things more difficult for anyone, which not a lot of people could honestly claim.
Posted by: tree at December 20, 2004 11:02 PM