Campaign Updates

7/13/04: Rubin throws votes to Kerry
After a lengthy silence, Leisure party candidate Bili Rubin made a statement to his supporters today in which he urged followers to "give your votes to Democratic candidate John Kerry, rather than to me."

Rubin went on to explain his reasoning: "I remain committed to bringing Leisure into the political arena. However, after much soul-searching, I have come to the conclusion that the best thing for this country is to fight the staunchly anti-Leisure Bush administration by presenting a united front in the upcoming election.

"It's true that politicians have always neglected Leisure issues. But the current powers that be have taken America further off-track than ever before. By pushing to deny marriage to certain citizens, blocking protesters and pranksters from having their voices heard, and reducing overtime benefits, this administration has cast a shadow of grim, tightlipped unLeisure over the hills and plains of this great nation. And don't even get me started about the 'War on an Abstract Concept' thing. Our first order of business is to end this assault on Leisure and common sense itself. To that end, I urge you all to vote Kerry this November," Rubin concluded.

3/1/03: Bili Rubin embarks on "Napathon"
Bili Rubin joined members of the Napping Rights Council in a two-week napathon today, expressing his hopes that the gesture will bring our leaders' attention to the plight of sleep-deprived, winter-weary citizens. "As the cold weather of winter drags on, we are asked by those in power to force ourselves to continue working full-time, going to school, and engaging in other tasks without the slightest regard to our need for respite. The Napathon is our way of saying, 'Enough! I'm a creature of the seasons, and that must be respected.'"

The Napping Rights Council proposes that the workday be shortened by at least 25% from January 1st through March 15th each year, allowing people to get extra rest and warm cozy couch time. During the Napathon, the auditorium of the Chalkville City Community Center in Indiana will be filled with shifts of nappers 24 hours per day. Organizers assert that there will be at least 100 nappers at all times during the festival, totalling 33,600 nap hours. Bili Rubin himself plans to sleep for at least 12 hours each day that the Napathon continues.

1/16/03: Bili Rubin cagey on dating
The normally forthright Bili Rubin was uncharacteristically bashful today when asked to give a phone update on his previously mentioned dating project. "I, er, can't really comment on that at this time," stammered Bili, in response to rumors that he has been seen in social situations with an unidentified woman. Reports that Bili attended a screening of Harvey in Pookah, Kansas, with an attractive brunette are unconfirmed, but several eyewitnesses say they observed the pair entering the theater for a 7:00 show. "She was definitely from out of town. I've never seen anyone that beautiful in Pookah," blushed usher Gregory L. Other reports from around the country hint that the same woman may have visited with Rubin on other campaign stops. Rubin, however, chose not to divulge any secrets during the brief phone interview. "All I feel comfortable saying now is that, er, ahem, my search for a suitable social companion is moving forward. Allow me to add that although science has not proven the existence of the jinx, I wouldn't want to risk ruining a good thing. That is, um, a hypothetical good thing. Hypothetical. I really must be going now." A source close to Rubin had this to say: "All I can say is, the last few weeks are the first time I've ever seen Bili Rubin skipping, outside of a controlled experimental environment."

11/21/02: Rubin meets with Union of Massage Therapists
Methuselah, California: Bili Rubin met today with representatives of the Union of Massage Therapists at "Relaxation Summit 2002" to dicuss possible plans for governmental funding of massages. "I believe that every citizen is entitled to a bi-weekly massage funded by the government. A relaxed nation is a more productive nation!" he announced to a crowd of cheering masseuses, detailing plans for a nationwide stress relief program. Union officials say they are "one hundred percent" behind Bili Rubin's campaign, and offered free massages to the candidate and his staff as they travel the country during their campaign. Rubin, however, declined the offer, stating "Until every citizen has the same opportunity, I cannot take advantage of your generous offer."

9/28/02: The Leisure Agency endorses Bili Rubin
The Leisure Agency formally announced today that it will endorse the candidacy of Bili Rubin for president in 2004. "The Leisure Agency's support of my campaign will be invaluable in spreading the message, and I'm proud to have the approval of such a fine group," said Bili Rubin at a Patio celebration held by the Agency. The announcement was greeted with unanimous "Woot!"s among the Leisure Agents attending, which included Agent Ambivalent, Agent M, and Agent Hilatron, the organization's founder.

8/30/02: Bili Rubin announces search for love
The grassroots presidential campaign of Bili Rubin was set aside for a few minutes today, as he spoke publicly on a more personal note. Stating that “as a person running for public office, I feel it is my duty to inform the public about my personal goals and intentions,” Mr. Rubin announced that he is going to consider the idea of dating after living as a bachelor his entire life. “I won’t let it slow down my run for the Presidency, but if some nice woman wants to take in a movie with me along the way, I’d be happy to accommodate her. I’ve heard that ‘it’s lonely at the top,’ but it can be lonely down here, too,” joked Rubin. Friends and colleagues have described Rubin as “monkish in his dedication to politics” and “kind of like a hermit crab, in more ways than one.” “I’m glad to see him coming out of his shell a little,” said one colleague. “Bili is a great guy, and he’ll only be a better leader if he can find the right person to share his vision with.” Mr. Rubin is said to be working closely with carefully selected advisors in order to find appropriate possible dates.

7/17/02: Bili Rubin meets with teleportation specialist
Clark City, Nevada – Bili Rubin met with the so-called “Great-Uncle of Teleportation” Dr. Wilson Wilson today in Wilson’s roadside attraction, “The Museum of Impossibilities.” Wilson is known for his persistent championing of the notion that teleportation is possible, despite scorn from colleagues and little attention from the media. “It is visionaries like Dr. Wilson who first dreamed that man could fly, or watch moving pictures, or heat a prepackaged meal in under five minutes,” said Rubin afterwards. “I have full confidence that with the right funding, he could present us with some exciting and startling results.” Dr. Wilson also had high praise for Rubin, stating that “he’s the first politician I’ve ever met who could have a decent conversation about Bigfoot, let alone one who could open a beer bottle with his teeth!”

6/24/02: Bili Rubin responds to draft dodging allegations
In a press conference today, Bili Rubin responded to reports that he dodged the draft on the war in Vietnam. “I wouldn’t know whether I did that or not, since I have no memory of anything prior to April 2, 1978. However,” he continued to a room full of stunned journalists, “I wouldn’t be a bit sorry if I had burned my draft card. I’m not too big on blowing things up, as you can easily see for yourselves from my policies, such as ‘Have Fun, Do Not Blow Things Up!’” In response to a question about how veterans might feel about his statements, Rubin responded: “If they really enjoyed blowing things up, and want more people to have that experience, they probably shouldn’t vote for me. I’m going to work at making sure that people the world over stop getting blown up, shot at, and other unpleasant things. If, on the other hand, they think that the cessation of blowings-up is a good idea, then perhaps we can get together and have a few beers or play some Mah Jong, and get some positive things done.”

5/28/02: Bili Rubin snafu?
Throckton, Alabama – Bili Rubin clashed yesterday with a delegation of concerned parents who questioned his platform of negotiation with microbes. Brandishing cans and bottles of germ-killing agents, a crowd of protesters descended on a rally at the local bandstand, chanting such slogans as “Clean Counters for our Kids!” and “Protect Your Right to Disinfect!” In a heated exchange, Rubin lambasted the group’s policy, which he claimed “amounts to unprovoked assassination of a life form which is just trying to live in peace!” Political analysts believe that Rubin may have seriously damaged his chances in staunchly anti-germ US suburbs. As one local put it, “I just wish I could buy a spray to keep that freak out of town!”

5/2/02: Bili Rubin shakes babies, kisses hands
Desolate, Minnesota - Bili Rubin turned the tables on the opposition by gently shaking babies and kissing the hands of his followers at an outdoor meeting. Despite the rainy weather, Mr. Rubin seemed in good spirits as he announced his intention to “reverse all the usual campaign stragtegies—I intend to say little and let my actions, such as this one, speak for me.”