The Ideals of Bili Rubin

1. Negotiation with all microbes.

Instead of waging a senseless and violent war against these innocent creatures, Bili favors peaceful negotiation. After all, “They are intelligent beings, and they can see as well as we can that the only possible existence is co-existence. “Microbes—they just want to live!”

2. Embrace the Subordinate Baboon.

Today’s confusing world leaves no room for this segment of our society. We must recognize that the Subordinate Baboons of our country can, if given the opportunity, introduce all of us to the soft and furry side of life. Bili Rubin considers himself “…honored to have known so many Subordinate Baboons. They have helped me throughout my life, and now I have a chance to pay my debt to them by bringing their cause to light.”

3. An end to the Monetary Menace.

Bili Rubin feels strongly that all forms of currency are a dangerous waste of resources. “When you come right down to it, money is useless. You can’t eat it, it is not weatherproof and it is certainly not pretty to look at.” Instead, Bili favors a regulated barter and work-for-goods system, which will allow people to be more directly connected to the results of their labor. “The fewer middlemen between work and dinner, the better!”

4. The establishment of the OATT.

Under the leadership of Bili Rubin, our nation will stride into the 21st century with no need for weapons, due to its stance of “Have Fun, Do Not Blow Things Up!” (HFDNBTU!). The country will then be free to establish the OATT, or Organization for Advancement of Teleportation Technology. After the liquidation of the National Department of Defense, half of the monies thereby acquired will be dedicated to the development of teleportation and other essential technologies, such as flying cars and compost-powered electric plants, which were overlooked during our industrial age.

5. End the battle with our own bodies.

Bili Rubin believes that many of society’s problems stem from individuals’ inability to communicate with their own bodies. Bili Rubin wants to restore this relationship to one of peace and harmony. Our bodily functions must be given the respect and power that they deserve.

6. National fluorescent lighting prohibition.

Bili Rubin recognizes the destructive effect that this harsh and unflattering method of illumination has on our national psyche. He believes that by creating a ban on this type of lighting, we can move forward a calmer, more self-confident nation. “Once the soft glow of the Tungsten bulb falls upon the corporate wastelands of our country, greed and aggression will no longer have a place to hide!”

7. Annual Silly Day.

Bili Rubin proposes a National Silly Day, where citizens are encouraged to act out and to celebrate the silly urges which they are so often asked to repress. “The greatest problems facing Americans are the stress, ill humor and digestive upset caused by society’s stringent rejection of silliness. I would like to dedicate a day to recognizing the importance of silliness as a part of everyday life, so that we can all benefit from this healthy, natural and fun part of our natures. Together, let’s take the stigma out of ‘silly!’”