Bili Rubin – Biography of Greatness

Life as Bili Rubin knows it began on a warm spring day in 1978 amidst the smoking wreckage of what had once been the famed Zipmann & Lurch Speculative Technologies of Clover Gulch, Wyoming. Officials, arriving on the scene after reports from neighbors of a violent concussion followed by a bizarre slurping noise, discovered that the only survivor of the incident was a young man, unconscious, severely dehydrated and covered in small, perfectly octagonal bruises. When he regained consciousness, the man could not remember anything leading up to the accident, including his own personal history, but he was wearing a badge which bore the words “Hello! My Name Is Bili Rubin.”

No record could be found of the name, and the young man’s fingerprints could not be traced. Despite a lengthy and highly publicized search for anyone with information about the mystery man, no one ever came forward to claim that they knew him. Eventually, the man we know as Bili simply adopted the name. The people of Clover Gulch, feeling a deep sympathy for this lost soul, raised enough money to find him a place to live, and to successfully campaign the federal government to issue him a social security number and valid identification, so that he might have a second chance in life. To this day, Bili Rubin has been unable to recall even the slightest detail of his past, despite his extensive attempts to do so through hypnotherapy, past life regression and numerous peyote ceremonies. The mysterious accident at Zipmann and Lurch has never been satisfactorily explained to the public, although authorities have cleared Bili of any wrongdoing.

Thanks to the kindness of the good citizens of Clover Gulch, as well as phenomenal test scores, Bili Rubin was able to enroll as an undergraduate at the University of Wyoming. Although he could remember nothing of his past, and was apparently just a few years older than his fellow freshman, he soon proved to be well beyond many of them in terms of both prior knowledge and innate ability. With a demonstrated fluency in more than twelve languages, a working knowledge of almost every branch of science and mathematics, a voracious appetite for reading, and a genius-level IQ, Bili Rubin graduated valedictorian of his class in just two years. He took a year off to earn money for graduate school by working on as a wrangler on a cattle ranch, selling patio furniture door-to-door, and patenting a device to test the physical and psychological effects of fluorescent lighting on the human.

After his spectacular two years at UW, Bili Rubin had his choice of top-level graduate programs. In an unprecedented move, he was permitted, at his request, to simultaneously attend MIT (going for a Masters in bioengineering) and Harvard (where he studied philosophy and law). By 1985, Bili Rubin had amassed an astonishing number of advanced degrees. In a special ceremony given jointly by his two alma maters, he received unreserved admiration from peers and faculty alike: “I have seen many great students come and go,” said one of his teachers. “But Bili Rubin’s dissertation on the historical ramifications of unusually shaped hats worn by public figures, and how this paralleled the ebbing and swelling of public sentiment for or against the eradication of bacteria, was the only one which has ever brought tears to my eyes. His is truly an incredible mind.”

Incredible indeed. Bili Rubin’s accomplishments since the end of his formal schooling have been so numerous as to be beyond counting, but they include:

• Rallying for the end to fluorescent lighting nationwide, successfully establishing a ban in five counties in southern Iowa.
• Developing a new power source which is drawn entirely from the nervous energy of people waiting in lines, and helping to open a movie theater in southern Germany which is run solely on “Fidget Power”.
• In consultation with the FAA, mapping out a nationwide low-altitude traffic plan to prepare for the imminent introduction of the flying car.
• A 500-page analysis of the American public school system, which provides within-budget solutions to: overcrowding, undereducated teachers, the need for more art, science, and language classes, student harassment, and the ongoing unpleasantness of cafeteria lunches.
• Working closely with respected scientists around the globe to found the Association for Negating Weapons of War, an international coalition devoted to developing defensive technologies (such as force fields) which render weapons of mass destruction useless and redundant.
• Playing lead guitar in a rockabilly band, the Flying Vees.

Throughout his amazing career, Bili Rubin has received praise for his scientific ability and his artistic skills, but it is his commitment to making the world better for his fellows which has impressed those who know him the most. Bili Rubin’s candidacy for President signals the beginning of a future which is more hopeful, and more Leisurely, for the United States and for the world.